A look at 2009

I've been looking over the last year, and I am realizing how blessed I am. When my mom asked me to write a paragraph for our family Christmas letter like I do every year, I thought back on my year and was actually pretty bitter. No big vacations, I didn't like my summer job, this last semester was hectic, and I have had a lot of friendship changes. But when thinking over the last year, I can be thankful for things that didn't happen. Only one person I know died this year, and although I was sad that I couldn't make the funeral, I can be thankful that he went peacefully. Also, in his death, his family found God. There have been many illnesses in my church family, and there were people that doctors said wouldn't make it through the night that are still alive today. God has blessed us with many miracles.

I love to travel, but other than a few trips down to Napa, I really didn't go anywhere. But then at the end of the year, I was blessed with some news. I am spending two months next summer in Germany. Two whole months! I am unbelievably excited, I have a great team, and I will be working with youth all summer. I have always want to spend an extended amount of time in another country, and I will now be able to do so.

As for my summer job, I just need to remind myself that I was blessed to have a job. I was blessed to be paid above minimum wage, and I was blessed to work with such great people. I went into Home Depot with my dad after church on Sunday, and I hadn't been in since I picked up my last paycheck. I doubted people would remember me, but the second I walked in the door I got three hugs from old co-workers. Even though I didn't enjoy the actual job I was doing, I had it pretty good for the job market that we have now. I was very blessed to have a job at all. Now I am working as a TA and getting paid to do things that I enjoy. I am the assistant of my Choir Director, and since I want to be a choir director, it is a wonderful experience for me. Since I won't be able to get a summer job, I am blessed to have a small, but steady income throughout the year to make up for what I will not be making this summer.

As for school, it's been difficult, but I pulled through with my 2 highest GPAs so far at Simpson. I'm proud of where I'm going, and although it keeps getting tougher, I am understanding things better and better.

Overall, God has blessed me this year. I have been through mountain top experiences with Him, but valleys have followed like they always do. Overall, I feel good about this last year, and hope that 2010 will be even better.

Simpson's Alma Mater Song?

I'm the choir TA, and I'm sorting and organizing music, and I just came upon the Simpson Alma Mater composed in Seattle by Helen H. Lemmel on April 20, 1958. These are the words:

Thanks be to Him, our Sovereign Lord,
for you our Alma Mater, staunchly true to His Word;
faithful to declare His glory to the nations
and tell His good news around the world.

Hear the endless march of the countless feet to our doors,
seeking knowledge of the truth and life complete;
for Christ our life we're living and to Him our homage giving,
dear Simpson, our Alma Mater!

It's a Gift

I have been told for ever that being single is a gift from God. Whenever someone would tell me that, I would think "well, it may be a gift for someone else, but it's nothing that I asked for." I've given myself reason after reason after reason about why I'm single. Things that are wrong with me, that I'm not good enough to be chosen, that I'm ready, or that there are no guys that are right. But none of that is right. Travis Osborne talked tonight at the Stirring, and it really hit me... I'm happy being single. The only thing that makes me unhappy is when I think of what I want in the future, but really, God is giving me what I asked for. I'd always been very "poor me" about the fact that I have never had a boyfriend... that it means there is something wrong with me. When I think about it, I decided long ago what I really want is to marry my first love. To not share anything with another man, to have no comparisons between my husband and men from my past. I also know that right now, I am not in a place in my life where I should get married. I am still young. There are so many things that I can only do when I'm single, and I should do them. That there are ways that God can use me that would be so much more difficult if I were married. That I am single for this season because it's what God knows is best for me now. Not forever, but now. I know that I was made to be a wife and mother. And someday I will. The thing I have always struggled with is not that fact that I am single now, but being afraid that I will be single forever. I know that will not be the case. Now is the only time that I can truly focus on God with no real distractions, and I can do so much for Him now that I won't easily be able to do in the future. So, I am single. And I am choosing to take my gift in joy. To trust God with my future, and offer him my gift now to serve Him.

Being Prepared

It's amazing how things in your life can be repeated over and over, and yet you hear things differently depending on where you are on your walk with God. The series Under the Chuppah as the Stirring has been a huge eye opener for me, and yet we had a very similar series my freshman year. It just goes to show how much I have grown in the past 2 years. Anyway, one thing I have really been struggling with as long as I can remember is being single. I don't want to be single. I tell myself I am ok with it, but when I see a couple together I feel so much pain. It's what I want.

Growing up, whenever I would have a crush on a guy, I would like him A LOT, but there was a part of me that would know that nothing would come from it. I had never liked a guy that was in love with God, and I knew that no matter how much I thought I wanted to be with said guy, I wouldn't. It wasn't something I realized until much later in life, but while other girls would try to see a future with whoever their crush was, I never would. I knew they weren't the type of guy for me.

Now I am at Simpson. There are amazing men of God here. There are Godly couples everywhere. I'm not saying all the guys are men of God or all the couples are Godly, but there is a fair amount. Healthy, loving relationships where God is the focus. That's what I want, so badly. I didn't realize it my freshman year. I was starting to see it my sophomore year, and now it's clear why I have never found that guy. I am still being prepared for him. I have told myself I would never date someone that I could not possibly see a future with. I don't like the concept of dating. I like the idea of modern courtship. I also love the idea of marrying the first guy that I fall in love with. I'm hoping for that. More than anything, I want a man of God that I can trust, that will be my shade, and that I will feel safe with. I want a man that will go to my father and ask for his permission to pursue me... to tell him that he will protect me and my purity. Nate painted such a beautiful image tonight of what a relationship should biblically look like, and I realized why I have not been with a guy, why I have not dated anyone. I am waiting for that. I want to be so filled with God's love that His love pours out of me, not go seeking a relationship to find love. And I know that I am not there yet. I am still being prepared. So I will wait. I will try to be patient until I am ready. Until I can stand with my beloved under a Chuppah, surrounded by friends and family and covered by God, and tell him that I have been prepared for him.

Psalm 63

Last year, the Stirring had a prayer night that I went to. During that night, I opened up my bible to this passage from Psalms, and it has been the way I have been basing my relationship with God on. I just wanted to share it with you.

Psalm 63 (NLT)
1 O God, you are my God;
I earnestly search for you.
My soul thirsts for you;
my whole body longs for you
in this parched and weary land
where there is no water.
2 I have seen you in your sanctuary
and gazed upon your power and glory.
3 Your unfailing love is better than life itself;
how I praise you!
4 I will praise you as long as I live,
lifting up my hands to you in prayer.
5 You satisfy me more than the richest feast.
I will praise you with songs of joy.
6 I lie awake thinking of you,
meditating on you through the night.
7 Because you are my helper,
I sing for joy in the shadow of your wings.
8 I cling to you;
your strong right hand holds me securely.
9 But those plotting to destroy me will come to ruin.
They will go down into the depths of the earth.
10 They will die by the sword
and become the food of jackals.
11 But the king will rejoice in God.
All who trust in him will praise him,
while liars will be silenced.

Joy

I'm at Simpson. I'm all moved into my dorm. I've seen some of my favorite people in the world. I've gotten some hugs. And when I was at the welcome chapel today, in the middle of worship, it hit me. Joy. Complete and utter joy. I'm home.

College advice from Kindergarteners

So, my senior year in high school, one of my classes was Careers in Education. Basically all I did was go to an elementary school 2 - 3 times per week and help out in a kindergarten class. I loved those kids, and I heard from hilarious stories from them. When I graduated, they made me a graduation cap that they all decorated, and they made me a list of advice for me as I go to college. I thought I'd share.


Our Advice to Jenni as she graduates and goes to college!
By Mrs. Middelstaedt's class

Get more money. If someone ofers you some, you can get lots more stuff. -Alexa

If there's a lost animal you need to figure out who its owner is. Go around to houses and people who are out of their houses out for a walk. Ask them if it's their animal. -Hunter S.

If you can't find a pet that you really like, just pick the bestest one there is from the one's that are there. - Gage

Go places... go to the mall, to the carnival, go to school. -JT

Take care of your baby when you get one. Get food, get some diapers. - Kacie

When you have a baby, make sure your baby shoesn't get to sharp things becayse they wil get scratched. -Kaitlyn

Buy yourself a big house. Make sure your house has lights, and doors, and windows. -Karen

Read a book before you go to bed. -Kourtney

Plant a garden with pumpkins and flowers like roses. -Kyla

If you buy a dog or a cat, you have to remember to walk it. -Layne

Make sure to cook yourself some food like fish, salmon is good, chicken, steak. -Madison

You have to get a little puppy and you have to remember to give it lots of food and water. And make sure you don't give him anything that is bad for him. -Mikey

You can buy a house with money. It should be a big one or a little one, but I think a big one because that would be fun. -Nataley

Have a pet and always keep it with you, even when you go to school. -Parker

Don't forget to buy your food. Pizza is good, fruit, like oranges and apples and bananas and pears. And don't forget furniture like couches and beds. -Romin

Don't forget to buy a car. You should get a red convertible! -Reilly

Cats are faster than dogs. If you get a cat and a dog they might fight. -Sam

Remember to buy yourself a car. You should get an Infinity like my dad's because they are cool cars. -Taylor

You have to go to work. You should help people when you have a job, like when their computer is broken. -Tyler

You will have to buy drinks for yourself, like milk or apple juice or orange juice. -Zoe

Have fun in college. Make lots of friends. -Hunter J.

Freedom from Home Depot

I sliced that poor orange apron tonight at 8:55pm and threw it in the trash. I kinda wanted to keep it, but it was dirty and nasty and ripping, and they are not allowed to leave the store. So alas, I am done. And I could not be more excited. Honestly, I hated working there. Hard labor and being expected to know the answer to questions that I have no idea about drove me crazy. I'm sore and my brain is full of random knowledge of stuff I have learned over the summer that I will probably never need to know again. And even though I hated working there, I did love some of the people. I am so glad to have met them and spent a summer with them. So the people, I will miss. Nothing else. I am free.

The Real Narnia

I know it's sad, but until this summer, I had never read the Narnia series. I read the first two when I was younger, but got bored with The Horse and his Boy and stopped. This summer, I decided that I was going to read the series. Boy am I glad I did. The cool this is that I'm reading the book Heaven by Randy Alcorn at the same time, and the two flow beautifully together. While reading Heaven, I have learned so much about the New Earth. And right now, my vision of that is what I picture Narnia to be in a way. I can't wait until we see the earth we know as the earth it was originally intended to be. To be able to live in Eden. To walk with Jesus and fall at His feel and worship Him in a way that is incomprehensible right now.

I love that Narnia is fiction, and yet so much of it is real. At the end of the last book, when Narnia disappears and they enter the new Narnia, I was almost in tears. I cannot wait for that day. It is such a beautiful picture, and it is not fiction. Well, Narnia itself is, but what was happening really will happen one day. We will leave this world, and those in the current heaven, or the land of Aslan, will be reunited together in this new Earth. And we will be perfect. Everything will be perfect. No pain, no suffering... only joy. Pure joy. Can you imagine?

I must admit, I used to be afraid of death. I didn't want the rapture to happen while I was alive, because I didn't understand it. I was afraid to give up my life here, to not get to experience things here before going on to heaven. But it's not like that at all. It will be earth. It will be life. Only better. Only perfect. Only with Him.

34 Days Remaining

That's what my phone is telling me. I have a countdown until the first day of school. It would be until I return to Redding, but not sure when that's going to be yet. All I know is that number means that I will be in Redding in approximately one month. And even though I know everyday that the number in the countdown will be one number smaller, I still like to check it and make sure it is. If you haven't guess, I am SO excited to be back at Simpson.

I'm at the point where I miss EVERYTHING. Not just my friends, my church, and my favorite classes, but everything. I miss people I only recognize by their face and not name. I miss the caf, if that's possible. I miss praying that I don't get hit by sprinklers on the way to class. I miss mornings where I wake up 15 minutes before I'm supposed to be in class and freak out. I miss it all.

Most of all, I miss the sense of community. That we all worship the same God, and have the same heart for Him. That our purpose is to love, and we know that. I feel like the God I met at Simpson is a one that's foreign to most of the people I know. That it's the same God, of course, but it's like Simpson opened up my eyes to a whole different side of Him, a side that is desperately in love with me, and I with Him. A God that I can pray to an see an exact answer to that prayer. He is still here with me, but I don't know how to share Him with others. I miss the trust that people can put in God and honestly believe that He will provide, and He does.

I am pretty sure I have decided to spend my next summer in Redding, and hopefully on a missions trip. We'll see what God has in store for me.

Being a Mrs. or a Miss

I've been thinking a lot about the future, what will happen when I graduate from Simpson. Will I stay in Redding, or will I return to Washington? I'm going to get my credentials to become a teacher, but where will that lead, and what will I teach? Yes, I would like to teach music, but who knows? There are so many different paths that I could take, and I'm not really feeling a pull in any specific direction. Only one option is the one that's been pulling at my heart, and yet it's the one that I have no choice in.

I know for one thing is that I want to get married. But I also know that I can't plan my life as though I am. I'm not saying I want to get married tomorrow, but one day, it is what I want more than anything. The hardest thing ever is not knowing if that will happen. It's ever harder being at Simpson, surrounded by couples in love with each other and in love with God, getting engaged and married left and right. They have exactly what I want, but I have no promise of getting that. Beyond not knowing, it is so hard to know that the thing I want the most is something that I cannot work towards on my own. It's not a degree or a program I can enroll in and come out with a husband. It has to be another person loving me as much as I love them, and that has never happened in my life. I could write a book called Unrequited Love, or Life as the Third Wheel. It's so tough to be completely happy for those around me, ditching me for that person. But it's something I must learn to cope with.

A little over 2 years ago, I was at the LIFE conference. I remember one of the speakers saying that in order to fully follow Christ, we must be willing to give Him all those things we've been holding onto. I wept and wept and wept, but I gave to God my desire to be a wife and mother. I no longer have those things to hold onto. Since then, I have been forcing myself to see the single life as a possibility. To live my life for God without a man by my side, or even without children of my own. I'm not saying that this will never happen, but before that day, this had never been a possibility for me, it had never entered my thought that I could possibly not get married. And the journey of figuring out who I am alone has been a difficult one. Full of tears, lots of journaling, and talking with, pleading with or yelling at God. But I have grown incredibly. It has been, and continues to be, a tough journey; but without it I would not be the woman I am today.

Pastor Kolke

It is amazing the ways God works. One of my first days at work, I had this elderly gentleman ask me where our pond stuff was, so I showed him. We talked for a long time, and he told me about his life. He survived the holocaust. His hands were mangled from being too near an explosion in Canada, and through all the hardships he has faced, he still has so much faith in God. When he left, he asked me if I blogged, and I said yes. He reached into his wallet and pulled out a card that said "STOP and Think Ministry. Daniel A. Kolke. www.kolke.com." This card has been sitting in the pocket of my apron for the past two weeks, until I found it a couple days ago. I just went to his blog, and this man is amazing. I invite you all to share in this man's wisdom, and his faith.

Everyday when I go to work, I listen to Kim Walker. When I get there, I sit in my car and I pray that God will use me to bless people that day, even if I never know about it. I really don't enjoy my job, but it's just for the summer, and if God can use me to touch one person, then it will be worth it. Whenever someone askes me for help lifting something because they had surgury, or they have some physical ailment, I pray a silent prayer for them. When a man yelled at me at work, I got upset, but then I prayed for him. God is really working on me to live how I would at Simpson while at home. It's been difficult, but I have grown a lot. And Pastor Kolke was the beginning of my journey,

Reminiscing

Today was a much needed day. Since I got back from Simpson for the summer, I really hadn't seen much of anyone. Kelsey, one of my best friends from high school, just got out from WWU last week, and is home for a week before heading off for her summer plans. Today we spent a day together. We got our favorite take-out and junk food, we watched cheesy movies, and we looked at old pictures and yearbooks from "back in the day." We randomly got an urge to talk to a friend of ours, Jared, from high school, that we had a lot of drama with at the end, last time we saw each other, our friendship was redeemed. So as we went to contact him, he actually contacted us first. So the three of us went to the park at night and laid on the dock, talking about our lives. It was so nice to be with both of them again, and I hadn't truely realized how much I missed Jared until today. Today was a day for friendships, and I loved it.

The Sanctity of Marriage

I was flipping channels today and ended up at the beginning of Dr. Phil. The first thing he did was he had a group of women in the audience stand and asked them if they would divorce their husband if he got them into X amount of debt, and to sit if they would. As he kept listing higher and higher numbers, more and more women sat down. This fact deeply disturbed me. How could any woman that loves her husband choose money over him, and then reveal that to the world with no shame? Yes, the show was about a couple who was over $600,000 in debt. The wife was blaming her husband, and wanting to divorce him because she didn't want to deal with it anymore, and she would be getting an inheritance when her parents died and she didn't want him to touch it.

What has happened to the meaning of marriage? With the debate of gay marriage, it is something too sacred that it must be kept between a man and a woman, and yet it's something that people throw in the towel when it gets hard? Now I'm not saying that I agree with gay marriage, that's not what this blog is about. What happened to the vow "For better, for worse?" Yes, to one couple worse may be very different that another couple's worse, but there are no guidelines when it comes to what exactly "worse" entails. It breaks my heart to see something so sacred and so binding be something that people can throw away if it doesn't suit them at that moment. What really is money worth? Is it really the thing that determines our lives? Does money or love determine our happiness? And is true marriage something determined by the state or determined by God? Is it the marriage license or the vow before God that truly means you're married? When I get married, divorce will not be an option. I will stay with him through good or bad, because I made that vow. I wonder what the world would be like if everyone truly thought of marriage like that?

Authority

I bought a book at Borders, mainly because it was a Christian novel, the back sounded interesting, and it was only $1. I started reading it last night at around 11:30pm, and it started getting kinda dark, talking about demonic powers attacking people. I stopped reading, because I can handle that during the day, but when I'm alone at night, I have a tendency to be freaked out pretty easily. So I stopped, but as I lie there alone in the dark, I was starting to hear things in the house. Normal creaks were magnified, and I swore I heard things that I knew weren't there. As I lied there, I decided to pray. As I started to pray, I remember the authority I have. I don't have to be afraid. If there was anything in my house, I could cast it out. So I declared out loud in my room, that in the name of Jesus Christ, I banished anything that was not of God from my room, my house, and my property. At that moment, all the things I swore I heard stopped. There was no fear in my heart. I was completely full of peace. I turned on some worship music and fell asleep listening to How He Loves Us.

I often forget how powerful we are as Christians. I really don't have to be afraid anymore. Nothing can touch me while I have God with me. We really do have an amazing God.

My breath fogged up the glass, so I drew a new face and laughed

I'm sick right now. It really sucks. I was supposed to be an extra in a movie today, but hand to cancel because I don't want to infect everyone else. I have the opportunity to do it again for a different scene next week, and I am starting work on Thursday and don't know my schedule yet. I was really excited to have a chance to be in a movie, but I decided yesterday that if I'm supposed to be in it, God will open up next Tuesday. If not, then I'm not supposed to do this. I have such a peace about it. So maybe you'll see a flash of me on the big screen, maybe not. I'm honestly fine either way right now.

On the topic of a job, I go in to sign papers tomorrow at Home Depot. In a way, I'm nervous, because I've never had a job where I work with adults (weird), and I've never done sales. At the same time, I think it's hilarious that I will get an orange apron of my own. I will hang that thing up in my dorm room next year. Or maybe I'll use it as an apron for cooking. Who knows? I'll be in the gardening section, and I know very little about plants. Maybe this will set me into a life on an avid gardener... or maybe I will inhered my mom's knack for killing plants. Who knows? Hopefully I'll get shifts with Jacob. That'd be awesome to know someone. And Grandpa Enos. One of my goals for the summer is getting a picture of the three of us in our aprons.

Kids are insane

So I've spent the last week straight with kids. Wednesday - Friday working at a school, Friday - Sunday with Jonah, and Monday - Tuesday working at school again. Today is my first day off in a week, and I slept for 12 hours... it was fantastic.

Anyways, I've decided that kids really do say the strangest things. Here are a couple of my favorites from the week.



I was told by a little girl that she likes my "teenager shoes" (converse). The same little girl asked me how old I was, so I told her to guess. She said I look 30, and was shocked when I said I was 20. Then she proceeded to tell me that I look like I should work at as hospital, and I'm too young to get married.

I worked in a classroom with a 5th grade boy that was in my day care group last summer. On the last day in his class, he held up a sign the he made for me across the class that said "BYE!" When I told him that it really was my last day, he crossed it out and wrote "DON'T LEAVE!!!" and gave me one of the saddest faces I've ever seen.

At church on Sunday, I was holding Jonah, and he said "down," so I put him down. Another little girl I babysit wanted me to hold her, so I picked her up. Jonah had a complete meltdown. He threw himself to the ground and screamed bloody murder in the foyer right before church was about to start. I guess I'm not allowed to hold other kids....

Later, when the service started, I went up front to sing with the worship team. The whole time Jonah was standing on a chair, pointing at me saying "my Nenni!" really loud.

Again, later that service, my mom gave Jonah goldfish crackers to try and distract him. He takes two out of the bag, bites the face off of one and says in a squeaky voice "OH NO! My nose!" and then proceeds to do the same thing to the other fish and said "OH NO! My nose too!" My mom was in a silent fit of giggles.

Lastly, had to "borrow" a kid from his kindergarten class to work on reading with him. It was the lady I was subbing for's birthday, so I had all the kids make her cards to surprise her. As he's coloring on his card he says "I love Mrs. Thiele A LOT, but not as much as Andy the babysitter. I'm going to marry her."

Summer has really begun

Last week, Megan and Janelle came to spend the week with me. We did the Seattle tourist thing and had a lot of fun, but now it's over. Being home has been nice so far, but I really miss Redding. I really have enjoyed church lately. I have begun taking membership classes, and I am really excited to become an offical member of Alliance Bible Church. My parents don't understand why it's so important to me, since most of the year I am not in Redding. I think the main reason is that sometimes, it's hard for me to go to my church when I'm used to the Stirring. They are two very different groups of people, and my love for the Stirring makes me feel like I don't belong at my church anymore. I think that becoming a member at my church will help me feel more a part of it. I have been asked to help with high school girls and to join the worship team. I'm really excited to really be involved at my church. I've also been a part of the adult sunday school class for the last two weeks, and I had never been a part of it before. I actually can contribute to the discussion with things I have learned at Simpson. It's really exciting to be able to live out what I learned at school.

Back in the Valley

I am back in Washington, and have been back for almost a day. It's really great to be here at the moment, but I keep on feeling like I'm going back soon. Megan is here with me for a week, and I feel like we're both leaving together. At church today I would see people and think "I have to make sure to hang out with them before I leave," and then I remember that I'm here for four month. That realization always hits pretty hard too. There is one thing that I am really excited about though. I am not a member of my church, because you have to be 18 and I've been away at school whenever they have membership classes. They started a new one today, combined with the adult sunday school class, and I decided that it is time for me to become an offical member of my church. It was a bit intimdating, because I have never been to the adult sunday school class before. It was kinda weird, but I actually suprised myself and contributed to the conversation with things that I have learned at Simpson and the Stirring. Which was really exciting to me, and I think my pastor was impressed at my sudden boldness to speak out when I used to mostly keep to myself. He talked about hermeneutics and different theological topics about what it entailed to be a part of THE church versus being a part of THIS church. I was really excited that I understood everything that was talked about and was able to contribute things that I have learned. I am so looking forward to spending this summer with God. I went downstairs last night before bed and pulled every Christian book my family owns and stacked them up on my dresser. I want to learn and grow in Him, and I think this summer will be an excellent time to do so. I miss Simpson and everyone so much, and I'm sure it will get worse as the summer goes on, but I will not waste this summer. It's all for Him.

Kind of off topic, but I got to spend some time with some of my friends today that I haven't seen since Christmas, and I didn't realize how much I missed them until I saw them again. I love my church family, and I think I will grow to appreciate them more and more this year.

I'm a College Junior? Already?

I finished my last final (Philosophy. enough said).

I found out I passed my jury with a B :) That's a Christmas miracle right there

I'm packing right now, and it's kind depressing

I want to listen to my Zune, which is currently dead and charging, and my external hard drive that has all my music on it is at home. boo

Rachel is waking me up at 7am to say goodbye... that'll be tough

Carlye is leaving at 3pm

I'm not sure if I'm ready for all this to end

My car leaves campus in about 36 1/2 hours for home. With Megan riding shotgun. heck yes

We bought Mother's Day flowers for Grethe Klose, because we love her a lot

I'm rambling... I know. It happens

Daddy Fi (Megan's Dad) is putting my bed back together for me tomorrow. Yay for daddies

I'm going to bed.

Goodnight

Being Called Out

Tonight was the last night of the Stirring for 133 days. I really hate that number right now, and I want it to shrink considerably. I think the hardest thing with the idea of going home is that last summer was such a dry season in my life, and I am so scared that the same thing with happen again this year. It's a difficult thing to take what you learn at Simpson and apply it to your life when you don't have the Simpson community there to support you. I haven't grown up thinking that I could be a spiritual leader for people, and to help them in their walk with Christ, but now I am one. I am taking that leadership back home with a servant's heart. I found out today that I am most likely joining the worship team at my home church, and I will have the opportunity to teach my congregation some of the song that have changed my life so much. I also am going to disciple, and walk along side the girls group at my church, mentoring junior high and high school girls. I am also joining the prayer group, and I will make a commitment to show up on Saturday night and early Sunday morning to pray for the congregation and the service. Prayer is so incredibly important, and I can't wait to pray with my church family and see the way He moves in the church. I'm also planning on just spending so much time alone with God, and seeking Him in everything I do. Yes, I will miss Simpson and the Stirring so incredibly much, but I will be ok. I will come back to Simpson refreshed instead of empty. See you in 133 days.

The start of the end

I hadn't gotten really emotional yet about the year ending. I've been doing ok, but today was when it all fell apart. I had to say goodbye to my toddler class that I teach sunday school to at the Stirring. Most of my usuals weren't there, which was sad, but I had a few. I was doing ok until the end, when Asher was picked up. He's one of my favorites, so I asked for a hug bye bye. He ran up and gave me a big hug, and I kissed him on the cheek and he gave me a big, wet, slobbery kiss. As he left, I blew him a kiss, and he blew one back. At that point, my heart broke. I am going to miss those kids so much. Four more months until I get to see them again, and I miss them already.

It's just You and me here now

There is something so amazing about singing in a room of people, hearing all their voices, and yet being completely alone with God. Tonight, at the last oppertunity to worship together as a Simpson community, I was somewhat disappointed with how few people showed up. When we started to pray and worship, I remembered how intimate a small group worshiping together can be. Seeing the heart of next year's worship team makes me really excited for next year, and at the same time so heartbroken that this year is already at a close. This year as been full of struggle, pain, growth, confusion, trust, joy, and peace. It certainly has been a journey. Now I am about to leave the place I now consider my home, and leave those I consider my family; and return to where I come from. I'm not going to lie, I'm scared. Summer is always such a hard time for me, because I don't have the same type of Christian community there as I do at Simpson. Tonight while we were singing, we sang "It's just You and me here now, it's only You and me here now." As that was sang over and over, I stopped singing to listen. I felt God telling me that. It's just me and you. That's all you need. I will be with you this summer. There is nothing to worry about, because I will be there with you, and I will provide what you need. I know now I can face this summer, and I will make it a time of growth and renewal before I come back to Simpson. I am so excited about stepping up and becoming a prayer leader and getting more involved at the Stirring. For now, I will focus on whatever plans God has for me this summer, and remain in his joy.

Sometimes... God just smacks you in the face

Tonight, the Stirring was one big smack in the face. The weird thing is that, even though the message was great, it really had nothing to do with it. The night started out with me in turmoil. I was really wrestling with myself with the ability to praise God without distraction, and I was failing miserably. I was begging with God to please just remove what was distracting me out of my mind so I could just be with Him. I was begging and pleading with Him to take everything from me, and to just fill me with his spirit. It was so important to me tonight that I was standing there, practically weeping. I was trying to sing, but my mind could not focus, and it was driving me crazy. So I kept my head bent. It looked at my feet in shame that I could not give God all that He deserves from me. I couldn’t give Him my whole heart and my whole head tonight, and I was so ashamed.

After awhile, Derrick Fleck came up like he usually does, and he had something to say to some people that God had really put on his heart. I think that it’s incredible how God speaks through him like that, but it’s never directed towards me. But tonight, Derrick said to stop hanging your head. Stop feeling ashamed of yourself. Stop feeling like you are not worthy. Look up to God, because He loves you with exactly what it is you have to offer Him. At this point, there were more tears, but I kept my head up. Those things that had been distracting me were not bad things. They were things that God had put in my heart. Although it is preferable to have your mind solely focused on God during worship, He will forgive you. Especially when what was distracting me was a gift from Him, it wasn’t anything to be ashamed of.

Throughout the entire service, I had kept a prayer going up to God to fill me with his spirit, to take everything away from me and to fill be with whatever he had to offer me. That everything I am is His, and I want Him to do with me what He pleases. For some reason, throughout this begging, I wasn’t really feeling any weight lifted or a presence. It was just an empty longing. At the end of the service, Nate made a call. For those who were crying out to be filled with the Spirit. To hear the voice of God, and to have confidence and authority in that. Automatically, I went to the front with no question.

The whole time up there I felt hands on me and I heard people praying with the group that was up there, but I kept having a voice go through my head. God can’t use me. I’m nothing. I’m ordinary, and He only goes for the extraordinary. There is nothing I can really do to further His Kingdom. I have struggled with poor self esteem my entire life. I have felt worthless, unwanted, and unloved. Like there is no future for me, and that I may dream of having a family, but no man will ever love me anyways, so why try? These thought have been a part of me for as long as I can remember. After a couple minutes, Nate started to speak to us, but I believe it was God speaking to me. He said that there are some of us struggling with the thought that we are ordinary. That we aren’t good enough, and that God can’t use us for anything. That all that is lies, and that if God is in us, that we are anything but ordinary. We are extraordinary people that God will use to encourage, heal the sick, cast out demons, and love the unloved. To pray for those in need, and give us the words to say that can change lives. I want that so bad. After the service ended, my mentor Amy was there, and I asked her to pray over me. Everything thought that went through my head, all the things that I needed, she prayed for. All I said was “Amy, will you pray for me?” and God completely spoke through her to me. She prayed for joy, strength, peace, and love; all things that I really need in my life right now. I am feeling a new feeling of empowerment. That I actually have something to offer, and that God has given me gifts for a reason.

I was asked to be a prayer leader next year, and I prayed about it and felt it was the right thing to do, but I was also terrified. I have never been one to be comfortable praying in front of others. I have been making it a priority this semester, because I believe that prayer will be very important in my life, and I want to be comfortable with it. I feel as though I will be a prayer warrior one day. But I also need to learn to listen to God while I pray. I do not feel Him or hear Him as easily as others can. I usually hear Him through music. Tonight at the Stirring, and I got the chorus to the hymn In The Garden completely lodged into my brain. And He walks with me and He talks with me, and He tells me I am His own, and the joy we share as we tarry there, none other has ever known. I want to be able to experience moments like this with God, and I think He put it in my head tonight to show me that we are on a new path together. That He will be with me through whatever is next in my life, and that He will guide me through it with and incredible joy that only I can know. And I can’t wait.

Playing Mom

Today, I am playing mom. I have my 2 year old cousin for the day, and although i've babysat him numerous times before, today it's completely up to me. We just got back from going to McDonalds and visiting my mom at work, and on the way home, he fell asleep in his carseat. It was seriously one of the most precious things, looking in my rearview mirror and seeing my little boy peacefully sleeping back there. Sure, I've dealt with a couple fits today, but I have also had a really great time. I know that kids are difficult. I know how stressful and tiring it can be, but I also know that all those small moments of joy overshadow all the stressed out moments. It's days like this that confirm that I want to be a mom. It's also days like this that show me that at this point in my life, I am not ready for it. And that's ok. I'm only 20, I don't need to be a mom right now. I also know that being a single parent is one of the toughest things a person can do. I can't wait until the day that I am married, and I am in the car with my husband and look in the backseat to see our little boy or little girl asleep back there.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

I've been thinking a lot about my future lately. To be honest, I have no idea what I am going to do when I graduate. I don't know where I am going to live, if I will continue on to grad school, or if I will go straight on to get a job. It's not the reason I'm going to Simpson, but a ring by spring sounds like a pretty good option. I just really don't know where I am being called. When I started at Simpson, I was planning on being a music teacher. Now, I'm not so sure. My major has been canceled, so I'm hoping that was a sign I was on the wrong path.

There are a couple things that I know. I want to get married. I've thought a lot about whether or not have been called to a life of being single, but I really don't think I am. I really want to be a mom. I want to take care of my family, and I want to find a man that I will spend the rest of my life with. I also want to be involved in ministry in some way, but I don't know how. Even if I am just highly involved in whatever church I end up at, I want to have that in my life. I love being involved at the Stirring, and I don't know if I can go back to just sitting in a chair again. I also want to travel. I want to see the world that God made. Whether I see the world just by traveling for pleasure or on missions trips, I definitely want to see all the different cultures and beautiful scenery around the world. Beyond all that, I am ok with whatever happens. I don't need a "career." I don't want a career. I want to have options in my life. I want to be able to have kids, and not worry about what that is going to do to my career. I want to be a teacher, a private voice teacher, or a massage therapist; or all three. Things that I can do on my own, and not have to work 40+ hours a week if I don't want to. I am ok with not having a lot of money, and that's not the reason to have a career. As long as I am happy and my family is provided for, that's all that matters. I know that God will provide the rest.

Home

In a lot of ways, home for me is Simpson. There are many breaks when I could go home, but I would rather stay in my dorm and be with my college family. I really haven't had an urge to go home until today. When we arrived back at campus, I was so happy to finally be home. I felt like it was home. But at the same time, it was like returning to your house after a long day and just wanting to see someone there to greet you, but no one was there. The parking lot was empty, and I was the only person in my building for awhile. It was at that moment that I really realized it was the people that made Simpson home for me. My family was gone, which made me either want to have them all come back, or go back to my real home. To my parents, my brother, my cats... to sleep in my old bed in my old room. I really want that right now, and my plane is taking off in 6 hours and 53 minutes. I can't wait to be back in Seattle. To see the rain, to have some Taco Time, to go get orange chicken with Kelsey and go book shopping at Goodwill like we always do. To see my baby Jonah, the love of my life, and spend a whole day with him. There are just some things that I really do end up missing at home, that I really don't miss until everything else is gone too.

Hospitality

I have been blown away with the hospitality I have been shown over the last five days. Choir tour is always a hard time for me. I love singing in choir, but I don't like listening to choir music as much, unless it is a really talented group or it's a song that I have sung. Since I don't especially enjoy sitting through a concert, choir tour has always been hard for me, because the majority of the time, I know the audience is not enjoying it. Few people enjoy listening to choir music anymore, and I often don't understand the point of tour. Going into it, I was not excited. I wanted to stay at school and go home when everyone else did. I did not want to give up some of my spring break to sing for people that didn't want to hear it. The first stop on tour verified exactly what I was thinking. The students at the school didn't care. They were texting, whispering, giggling.... why were we even there? The first two days were hard, until we met the congregation from New Hope Community Church. Their church was the first black church I have ever been to, and they are the most incredible and Christ focused congregation I have ever met. They were so welcoming, and so gracious. They made us dinner, took us to their homes, the woman my group stayed with kept us up telling us her incredible story, and her family has a struggled in it that I completely identified with. We really connected thought this hardship we have both faced, and it was nice to have someone empathize with my situation and actually know exactly what I am talking about, and likewise for her. That morning when we went to their church, they would come up and hug us and tell us how excited they were to hear us, even though they heard the whole concert the night before. They were praising God through our song, and it was incredible to see people respond to us some much. There were tears, "Amen!" and "Praise Jesus!" coming from everywhere... it was incredible how much they love God. Afterwards, we met a ton of people, one lady let me hold her baby, they made us lunch and then made sack lunches for the road. When we left, the whole congregation came out and waved at the bus. We were SO incredibly blessed by them. I don't think I have ever felt so proud to be a part of the Simpson University Chorale, and to see that there really is a purpose for us going on tour. It is to reach out to a church like New Hope, and to feel their overwhelming love and appreciation for us. We may have gone there to be a blessing, but we were definitely the ones being blessed.

My Beautiful Simpson

I am almost done with my sophomore year, and even though I still have two years left here, I am already scared for graduation. At this point in my life, I can't really imagine something that I want more right now than to be right where I'm at. I love Simpson so much. I have grown in incredible ways since I got here. Both Simpson itself and The Stirring have both taught me SO much about God. I didn't have a relationship with Him until I got here. And then there's the Simpson bubble. Honestly, I love it. There is a definite need for life outside of the bubble, but I love life inside the bubble at the same time. Last week, Megan and I just sat in my car for about two hours. We talked and people watched, and while this way going on, I realized how much I love the people here. I love the fact that it's a rare thing for me to see someone I don't at least recognize. Today in the caf we had a guy approach our table because he felt like he really needed to pray for one of us for a specific reason, and he did, and he was right on. Where else does stuff like that happen? I also love how much I have learned about God's personality. I feel him teasing me all the time, but in a loving way. He trusts me, and I trust Him. Life couldn't get much better right now. I am just not ready for April 25th. Summer is never a good time for me. When you go to a school two states away, it's always hard to connect with friends during the summer, which means my support system disappears for 18 long weeks. God save me.

Let go, and let God

I have realized lately that God is definitly calling me out to trust Him. The exciting this is that I am trusting Him. I have always been a planner. I didn't like to just see what happens. Decisions have always been hard to make, and I had to talk to everyone and get opinions and do all this research... and I really didn't get anywhere. In these situations, I would always pray about it, but not really wait to listen to what God had to say, because I wanted an answer and I wanted it as soon as possible. So God decided to throw a ton of stuff at me at once, so I have to depend on Him to figure everything out. My major at school was canceled, so I get to make a decision with what I'm going to do with my life. I have no job currently, and a car to pay off. My job from last summer most likely not be open to me, so I don't know what I'm going to do this summer when it comes to a job. I have the option to live with my parents or with my brother. I was asked to be a prayer leader on my floor next year, and I have to make the decision whether I am supposed to do that. At this point, the old me would be freaking out. To the point of having a meltdown. God has thrown all of this at me just to say "TRUST ME!" All these things I thought I had all figured out have been thrown into the wind, and I have this overwhelming peace about it. I know that whatever happens, God can use me where ever I end up. I'm so excited to be able to trust Him with everything, and I know that I am growing so much with Him. I have made myself vulnerable, and I know that He will not let me down.

Men

One thing I've come to realize is that in the year and a half I have been at Simpson, I have not really found a close male friend. I live in an all girls dorm, my major (music) is mostly female, my life group was a women's group, and working with the Stirring Kids is pretty much all female. Don't get me wrong, I love all these women I've meet and they have been a huge impact on my life, but there is something definitely missing. I need men in my life. Most of my guy friends from home I haven't been very close with since I moved away, so I feel stuck almost. I need to find an outlet where I can remember what it's like to interact with guys again. No, this is not a ploy to find a boyfriend, it's simply a need to have my brothers in Christ around me to support me. I am seriously thinking about joining a mixed life group at the Stirring. I would appreciate prayer about this. Thanks.

Shower Heads Suck

Last night, I got back to Simpson. After getting up at 5am, sitting in airports, flying, and riding in a car all day, all I wanted to do was take a shower and crawl into bed. So I got in the shower, and was once again irked by it. The shower heads are too freaking low. At home, my dad built our house, and since my family is tall, he put the shower heads up high. Common sense, right? And then, I go to Simpson, and learn how the rest of the world is. I seriously feel like I'm trying to do the limbo when I wash my hair. What's up with that? I'm really not even all that tall! 5'9". That's it. Tall for a girl, yes, but I feel sorry out there for all you guys out there 6' and up and have to go through this. We need taller people installing shower heads!

My Word

I've been reading a lot during winter break. It's weird when you days go from being so filled with stuff to do, and then having absolutely no commitments, you're life just drags on and on. There are two of these books I want to mention, which ultimately led to a goal (not a resolution, I hate those) for the year.

I am in the process of reading Eat Pray Love, and in this book, the author goes on a journey of self discovery through Italy, India, and Indonesia. When she was in Italy, she'd having a conversation with a friend she made, and he asked her "What is your word?" So throughout the book, that's one thing she tries to discover. What is the one word that can sum up her life.

Through this idea, I decided that I am going to choose one word to be the focus of my year. Something for me to better understand and live throughout my life. I've been thinking about this for a couple days, which brings me to another book I read.

Captivating is the feminine version of Wild At Heart. It helps women through all of the pain of what it is to be a women in the word, and it shows them how God is encouraging them to be women, not someone who can keep up in a man's world. Now that doesn't mean that a woman is meant to get married, have kids, and do all the housework; far from it. That just means that we were made different from men for a reason, and there are certain attributes that we need to have as the emotional, relational, and beautiful part of God's character. There is one word that really stood out to me in this book, and it has become my word. Vulnerability.

So that's my word. It was confirmed to me this morning that vulnerability is my word, because I wanted to be in Redding today, but plans changed and I couldn't make it. So I'm leaving tomorrow, and I went to my home church this morning. My friend Becca preached this morning about Gomer, the prositute that Hosea married. That God took this sinful and shameful woman, and made her go through so much shame, only to show her how desperate he is for her love. Read Hosea chapters 1 and 2 to get a feel for the story. It really is amazing. God wants us to have the courage to go deeper in our relationship with Him, and with others. To open up and give others the chance to hurt us, but trust them not to. That is my goal for the year. To truely find out what it is to be vulnerable, and live it out.