Back in the Valley

I am back in Washington, and have been back for almost a day. It's really great to be here at the moment, but I keep on feeling like I'm going back soon. Megan is here with me for a week, and I feel like we're both leaving together. At church today I would see people and think "I have to make sure to hang out with them before I leave," and then I remember that I'm here for four month. That realization always hits pretty hard too. There is one thing that I am really excited about though. I am not a member of my church, because you have to be 18 and I've been away at school whenever they have membership classes. They started a new one today, combined with the adult sunday school class, and I decided that it is time for me to become an offical member of my church. It was a bit intimdating, because I have never been to the adult sunday school class before. It was kinda weird, but I actually suprised myself and contributed to the conversation with things that I have learned at Simpson and the Stirring. Which was really exciting to me, and I think my pastor was impressed at my sudden boldness to speak out when I used to mostly keep to myself. He talked about hermeneutics and different theological topics about what it entailed to be a part of THE church versus being a part of THIS church. I was really excited that I understood everything that was talked about and was able to contribute things that I have learned. I am so looking forward to spending this summer with God. I went downstairs last night before bed and pulled every Christian book my family owns and stacked them up on my dresser. I want to learn and grow in Him, and I think this summer will be an excellent time to do so. I miss Simpson and everyone so much, and I'm sure it will get worse as the summer goes on, but I will not waste this summer. It's all for Him.

Kind of off topic, but I got to spend some time with some of my friends today that I haven't seen since Christmas, and I didn't realize how much I missed them until I saw them again. I love my church family, and I think I will grow to appreciate them more and more this year.

I'm a College Junior? Already?

I finished my last final (Philosophy. enough said).

I found out I passed my jury with a B :) That's a Christmas miracle right there

I'm packing right now, and it's kind depressing

I want to listen to my Zune, which is currently dead and charging, and my external hard drive that has all my music on it is at home. boo

Rachel is waking me up at 7am to say goodbye... that'll be tough

Carlye is leaving at 3pm

I'm not sure if I'm ready for all this to end

My car leaves campus in about 36 1/2 hours for home. With Megan riding shotgun. heck yes

We bought Mother's Day flowers for Grethe Klose, because we love her a lot

I'm rambling... I know. It happens

Daddy Fi (Megan's Dad) is putting my bed back together for me tomorrow. Yay for daddies

I'm going to bed.

Goodnight

Being Called Out

Tonight was the last night of the Stirring for 133 days. I really hate that number right now, and I want it to shrink considerably. I think the hardest thing with the idea of going home is that last summer was such a dry season in my life, and I am so scared that the same thing with happen again this year. It's a difficult thing to take what you learn at Simpson and apply it to your life when you don't have the Simpson community there to support you. I haven't grown up thinking that I could be a spiritual leader for people, and to help them in their walk with Christ, but now I am one. I am taking that leadership back home with a servant's heart. I found out today that I am most likely joining the worship team at my home church, and I will have the opportunity to teach my congregation some of the song that have changed my life so much. I also am going to disciple, and walk along side the girls group at my church, mentoring junior high and high school girls. I am also joining the prayer group, and I will make a commitment to show up on Saturday night and early Sunday morning to pray for the congregation and the service. Prayer is so incredibly important, and I can't wait to pray with my church family and see the way He moves in the church. I'm also planning on just spending so much time alone with God, and seeking Him in everything I do. Yes, I will miss Simpson and the Stirring so incredibly much, but I will be ok. I will come back to Simpson refreshed instead of empty. See you in 133 days.

The start of the end

I hadn't gotten really emotional yet about the year ending. I've been doing ok, but today was when it all fell apart. I had to say goodbye to my toddler class that I teach sunday school to at the Stirring. Most of my usuals weren't there, which was sad, but I had a few. I was doing ok until the end, when Asher was picked up. He's one of my favorites, so I asked for a hug bye bye. He ran up and gave me a big hug, and I kissed him on the cheek and he gave me a big, wet, slobbery kiss. As he left, I blew him a kiss, and he blew one back. At that point, my heart broke. I am going to miss those kids so much. Four more months until I get to see them again, and I miss them already.

It's just You and me here now

There is something so amazing about singing in a room of people, hearing all their voices, and yet being completely alone with God. Tonight, at the last oppertunity to worship together as a Simpson community, I was somewhat disappointed with how few people showed up. When we started to pray and worship, I remembered how intimate a small group worshiping together can be. Seeing the heart of next year's worship team makes me really excited for next year, and at the same time so heartbroken that this year is already at a close. This year as been full of struggle, pain, growth, confusion, trust, joy, and peace. It certainly has been a journey. Now I am about to leave the place I now consider my home, and leave those I consider my family; and return to where I come from. I'm not going to lie, I'm scared. Summer is always such a hard time for me, because I don't have the same type of Christian community there as I do at Simpson. Tonight while we were singing, we sang "It's just You and me here now, it's only You and me here now." As that was sang over and over, I stopped singing to listen. I felt God telling me that. It's just me and you. That's all you need. I will be with you this summer. There is nothing to worry about, because I will be there with you, and I will provide what you need. I know now I can face this summer, and I will make it a time of growth and renewal before I come back to Simpson. I am so excited about stepping up and becoming a prayer leader and getting more involved at the Stirring. For now, I will focus on whatever plans God has for me this summer, and remain in his joy.

Sometimes... God just smacks you in the face

Tonight, the Stirring was one big smack in the face. The weird thing is that, even though the message was great, it really had nothing to do with it. The night started out with me in turmoil. I was really wrestling with myself with the ability to praise God without distraction, and I was failing miserably. I was begging with God to please just remove what was distracting me out of my mind so I could just be with Him. I was begging and pleading with Him to take everything from me, and to just fill me with his spirit. It was so important to me tonight that I was standing there, practically weeping. I was trying to sing, but my mind could not focus, and it was driving me crazy. So I kept my head bent. It looked at my feet in shame that I could not give God all that He deserves from me. I couldn’t give Him my whole heart and my whole head tonight, and I was so ashamed.

After awhile, Derrick Fleck came up like he usually does, and he had something to say to some people that God had really put on his heart. I think that it’s incredible how God speaks through him like that, but it’s never directed towards me. But tonight, Derrick said to stop hanging your head. Stop feeling ashamed of yourself. Stop feeling like you are not worthy. Look up to God, because He loves you with exactly what it is you have to offer Him. At this point, there were more tears, but I kept my head up. Those things that had been distracting me were not bad things. They were things that God had put in my heart. Although it is preferable to have your mind solely focused on God during worship, He will forgive you. Especially when what was distracting me was a gift from Him, it wasn’t anything to be ashamed of.

Throughout the entire service, I had kept a prayer going up to God to fill me with his spirit, to take everything away from me and to fill be with whatever he had to offer me. That everything I am is His, and I want Him to do with me what He pleases. For some reason, throughout this begging, I wasn’t really feeling any weight lifted or a presence. It was just an empty longing. At the end of the service, Nate made a call. For those who were crying out to be filled with the Spirit. To hear the voice of God, and to have confidence and authority in that. Automatically, I went to the front with no question.

The whole time up there I felt hands on me and I heard people praying with the group that was up there, but I kept having a voice go through my head. God can’t use me. I’m nothing. I’m ordinary, and He only goes for the extraordinary. There is nothing I can really do to further His Kingdom. I have struggled with poor self esteem my entire life. I have felt worthless, unwanted, and unloved. Like there is no future for me, and that I may dream of having a family, but no man will ever love me anyways, so why try? These thought have been a part of me for as long as I can remember. After a couple minutes, Nate started to speak to us, but I believe it was God speaking to me. He said that there are some of us struggling with the thought that we are ordinary. That we aren’t good enough, and that God can’t use us for anything. That all that is lies, and that if God is in us, that we are anything but ordinary. We are extraordinary people that God will use to encourage, heal the sick, cast out demons, and love the unloved. To pray for those in need, and give us the words to say that can change lives. I want that so bad. After the service ended, my mentor Amy was there, and I asked her to pray over me. Everything thought that went through my head, all the things that I needed, she prayed for. All I said was “Amy, will you pray for me?” and God completely spoke through her to me. She prayed for joy, strength, peace, and love; all things that I really need in my life right now. I am feeling a new feeling of empowerment. That I actually have something to offer, and that God has given me gifts for a reason.

I was asked to be a prayer leader next year, and I prayed about it and felt it was the right thing to do, but I was also terrified. I have never been one to be comfortable praying in front of others. I have been making it a priority this semester, because I believe that prayer will be very important in my life, and I want to be comfortable with it. I feel as though I will be a prayer warrior one day. But I also need to learn to listen to God while I pray. I do not feel Him or hear Him as easily as others can. I usually hear Him through music. Tonight at the Stirring, and I got the chorus to the hymn In The Garden completely lodged into my brain. And He walks with me and He talks with me, and He tells me I am His own, and the joy we share as we tarry there, none other has ever known. I want to be able to experience moments like this with God, and I think He put it in my head tonight to show me that we are on a new path together. That He will be with me through whatever is next in my life, and that He will guide me through it with and incredible joy that only I can know. And I can’t wait.