Sometimes... God just smacks you in the face

Tonight, the Stirring was one big smack in the face. The weird thing is that, even though the message was great, it really had nothing to do with it. The night started out with me in turmoil. I was really wrestling with myself with the ability to praise God without distraction, and I was failing miserably. I was begging with God to please just remove what was distracting me out of my mind so I could just be with Him. I was begging and pleading with Him to take everything from me, and to just fill me with his spirit. It was so important to me tonight that I was standing there, practically weeping. I was trying to sing, but my mind could not focus, and it was driving me crazy. So I kept my head bent. It looked at my feet in shame that I could not give God all that He deserves from me. I couldn’t give Him my whole heart and my whole head tonight, and I was so ashamed.

After awhile, Derrick Fleck came up like he usually does, and he had something to say to some people that God had really put on his heart. I think that it’s incredible how God speaks through him like that, but it’s never directed towards me. But tonight, Derrick said to stop hanging your head. Stop feeling ashamed of yourself. Stop feeling like you are not worthy. Look up to God, because He loves you with exactly what it is you have to offer Him. At this point, there were more tears, but I kept my head up. Those things that had been distracting me were not bad things. They were things that God had put in my heart. Although it is preferable to have your mind solely focused on God during worship, He will forgive you. Especially when what was distracting me was a gift from Him, it wasn’t anything to be ashamed of.

Throughout the entire service, I had kept a prayer going up to God to fill me with his spirit, to take everything away from me and to fill be with whatever he had to offer me. That everything I am is His, and I want Him to do with me what He pleases. For some reason, throughout this begging, I wasn’t really feeling any weight lifted or a presence. It was just an empty longing. At the end of the service, Nate made a call. For those who were crying out to be filled with the Spirit. To hear the voice of God, and to have confidence and authority in that. Automatically, I went to the front with no question.

The whole time up there I felt hands on me and I heard people praying with the group that was up there, but I kept having a voice go through my head. God can’t use me. I’m nothing. I’m ordinary, and He only goes for the extraordinary. There is nothing I can really do to further His Kingdom. I have struggled with poor self esteem my entire life. I have felt worthless, unwanted, and unloved. Like there is no future for me, and that I may dream of having a family, but no man will ever love me anyways, so why try? These thought have been a part of me for as long as I can remember. After a couple minutes, Nate started to speak to us, but I believe it was God speaking to me. He said that there are some of us struggling with the thought that we are ordinary. That we aren’t good enough, and that God can’t use us for anything. That all that is lies, and that if God is in us, that we are anything but ordinary. We are extraordinary people that God will use to encourage, heal the sick, cast out demons, and love the unloved. To pray for those in need, and give us the words to say that can change lives. I want that so bad. After the service ended, my mentor Amy was there, and I asked her to pray over me. Everything thought that went through my head, all the things that I needed, she prayed for. All I said was “Amy, will you pray for me?” and God completely spoke through her to me. She prayed for joy, strength, peace, and love; all things that I really need in my life right now. I am feeling a new feeling of empowerment. That I actually have something to offer, and that God has given me gifts for a reason.

I was asked to be a prayer leader next year, and I prayed about it and felt it was the right thing to do, but I was also terrified. I have never been one to be comfortable praying in front of others. I have been making it a priority this semester, because I believe that prayer will be very important in my life, and I want to be comfortable with it. I feel as though I will be a prayer warrior one day. But I also need to learn to listen to God while I pray. I do not feel Him or hear Him as easily as others can. I usually hear Him through music. Tonight at the Stirring, and I got the chorus to the hymn In The Garden completely lodged into my brain. And He walks with me and He talks with me, and He tells me I am His own, and the joy we share as we tarry there, none other has ever known. I want to be able to experience moments like this with God, and I think He put it in my head tonight to show me that we are on a new path together. That He will be with me through whatever is next in my life, and that He will guide me through it with and incredible joy that only I can know. And I can’t wait.