Playing Mom

Today, I am playing mom. I have my 2 year old cousin for the day, and although i've babysat him numerous times before, today it's completely up to me. We just got back from going to McDonalds and visiting my mom at work, and on the way home, he fell asleep in his carseat. It was seriously one of the most precious things, looking in my rearview mirror and seeing my little boy peacefully sleeping back there. Sure, I've dealt with a couple fits today, but I have also had a really great time. I know that kids are difficult. I know how stressful and tiring it can be, but I also know that all those small moments of joy overshadow all the stressed out moments. It's days like this that confirm that I want to be a mom. It's also days like this that show me that at this point in my life, I am not ready for it. And that's ok. I'm only 20, I don't need to be a mom right now. I also know that being a single parent is one of the toughest things a person can do. I can't wait until the day that I am married, and I am in the car with my husband and look in the backseat to see our little boy or little girl asleep back there.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

I've been thinking a lot about my future lately. To be honest, I have no idea what I am going to do when I graduate. I don't know where I am going to live, if I will continue on to grad school, or if I will go straight on to get a job. It's not the reason I'm going to Simpson, but a ring by spring sounds like a pretty good option. I just really don't know where I am being called. When I started at Simpson, I was planning on being a music teacher. Now, I'm not so sure. My major has been canceled, so I'm hoping that was a sign I was on the wrong path.

There are a couple things that I know. I want to get married. I've thought a lot about whether or not have been called to a life of being single, but I really don't think I am. I really want to be a mom. I want to take care of my family, and I want to find a man that I will spend the rest of my life with. I also want to be involved in ministry in some way, but I don't know how. Even if I am just highly involved in whatever church I end up at, I want to have that in my life. I love being involved at the Stirring, and I don't know if I can go back to just sitting in a chair again. I also want to travel. I want to see the world that God made. Whether I see the world just by traveling for pleasure or on missions trips, I definitely want to see all the different cultures and beautiful scenery around the world. Beyond all that, I am ok with whatever happens. I don't need a "career." I don't want a career. I want to have options in my life. I want to be able to have kids, and not worry about what that is going to do to my career. I want to be a teacher, a private voice teacher, or a massage therapist; or all three. Things that I can do on my own, and not have to work 40+ hours a week if I don't want to. I am ok with not having a lot of money, and that's not the reason to have a career. As long as I am happy and my family is provided for, that's all that matters. I know that God will provide the rest.

Home

In a lot of ways, home for me is Simpson. There are many breaks when I could go home, but I would rather stay in my dorm and be with my college family. I really haven't had an urge to go home until today. When we arrived back at campus, I was so happy to finally be home. I felt like it was home. But at the same time, it was like returning to your house after a long day and just wanting to see someone there to greet you, but no one was there. The parking lot was empty, and I was the only person in my building for awhile. It was at that moment that I really realized it was the people that made Simpson home for me. My family was gone, which made me either want to have them all come back, or go back to my real home. To my parents, my brother, my cats... to sleep in my old bed in my old room. I really want that right now, and my plane is taking off in 6 hours and 53 minutes. I can't wait to be back in Seattle. To see the rain, to have some Taco Time, to go get orange chicken with Kelsey and go book shopping at Goodwill like we always do. To see my baby Jonah, the love of my life, and spend a whole day with him. There are just some things that I really do end up missing at home, that I really don't miss until everything else is gone too.

Hospitality

I have been blown away with the hospitality I have been shown over the last five days. Choir tour is always a hard time for me. I love singing in choir, but I don't like listening to choir music as much, unless it is a really talented group or it's a song that I have sung. Since I don't especially enjoy sitting through a concert, choir tour has always been hard for me, because the majority of the time, I know the audience is not enjoying it. Few people enjoy listening to choir music anymore, and I often don't understand the point of tour. Going into it, I was not excited. I wanted to stay at school and go home when everyone else did. I did not want to give up some of my spring break to sing for people that didn't want to hear it. The first stop on tour verified exactly what I was thinking. The students at the school didn't care. They were texting, whispering, giggling.... why were we even there? The first two days were hard, until we met the congregation from New Hope Community Church. Their church was the first black church I have ever been to, and they are the most incredible and Christ focused congregation I have ever met. They were so welcoming, and so gracious. They made us dinner, took us to their homes, the woman my group stayed with kept us up telling us her incredible story, and her family has a struggled in it that I completely identified with. We really connected thought this hardship we have both faced, and it was nice to have someone empathize with my situation and actually know exactly what I am talking about, and likewise for her. That morning when we went to their church, they would come up and hug us and tell us how excited they were to hear us, even though they heard the whole concert the night before. They were praising God through our song, and it was incredible to see people respond to us some much. There were tears, "Amen!" and "Praise Jesus!" coming from everywhere... it was incredible how much they love God. Afterwards, we met a ton of people, one lady let me hold her baby, they made us lunch and then made sack lunches for the road. When we left, the whole congregation came out and waved at the bus. We were SO incredibly blessed by them. I don't think I have ever felt so proud to be a part of the Simpson University Chorale, and to see that there really is a purpose for us going on tour. It is to reach out to a church like New Hope, and to feel their overwhelming love and appreciation for us. We may have gone there to be a blessing, but we were definitely the ones being blessed.

My Beautiful Simpson

I am almost done with my sophomore year, and even though I still have two years left here, I am already scared for graduation. At this point in my life, I can't really imagine something that I want more right now than to be right where I'm at. I love Simpson so much. I have grown in incredible ways since I got here. Both Simpson itself and The Stirring have both taught me SO much about God. I didn't have a relationship with Him until I got here. And then there's the Simpson bubble. Honestly, I love it. There is a definite need for life outside of the bubble, but I love life inside the bubble at the same time. Last week, Megan and I just sat in my car for about two hours. We talked and people watched, and while this way going on, I realized how much I love the people here. I love the fact that it's a rare thing for me to see someone I don't at least recognize. Today in the caf we had a guy approach our table because he felt like he really needed to pray for one of us for a specific reason, and he did, and he was right on. Where else does stuff like that happen? I also love how much I have learned about God's personality. I feel him teasing me all the time, but in a loving way. He trusts me, and I trust Him. Life couldn't get much better right now. I am just not ready for April 25th. Summer is never a good time for me. When you go to a school two states away, it's always hard to connect with friends during the summer, which means my support system disappears for 18 long weeks. God save me.

Let go, and let God

I have realized lately that God is definitly calling me out to trust Him. The exciting this is that I am trusting Him. I have always been a planner. I didn't like to just see what happens. Decisions have always been hard to make, and I had to talk to everyone and get opinions and do all this research... and I really didn't get anywhere. In these situations, I would always pray about it, but not really wait to listen to what God had to say, because I wanted an answer and I wanted it as soon as possible. So God decided to throw a ton of stuff at me at once, so I have to depend on Him to figure everything out. My major at school was canceled, so I get to make a decision with what I'm going to do with my life. I have no job currently, and a car to pay off. My job from last summer most likely not be open to me, so I don't know what I'm going to do this summer when it comes to a job. I have the option to live with my parents or with my brother. I was asked to be a prayer leader on my floor next year, and I have to make the decision whether I am supposed to do that. At this point, the old me would be freaking out. To the point of having a meltdown. God has thrown all of this at me just to say "TRUST ME!" All these things I thought I had all figured out have been thrown into the wind, and I have this overwhelming peace about it. I know that whatever happens, God can use me where ever I end up. I'm so excited to be able to trust Him with everything, and I know that I am growing so much with Him. I have made myself vulnerable, and I know that He will not let me down.