It's a Gift

I have been told for ever that being single is a gift from God. Whenever someone would tell me that, I would think "well, it may be a gift for someone else, but it's nothing that I asked for." I've given myself reason after reason after reason about why I'm single. Things that are wrong with me, that I'm not good enough to be chosen, that I'm ready, or that there are no guys that are right. But none of that is right. Travis Osborne talked tonight at the Stirring, and it really hit me... I'm happy being single. The only thing that makes me unhappy is when I think of what I want in the future, but really, God is giving me what I asked for. I'd always been very "poor me" about the fact that I have never had a boyfriend... that it means there is something wrong with me. When I think about it, I decided long ago what I really want is to marry my first love. To not share anything with another man, to have no comparisons between my husband and men from my past. I also know that right now, I am not in a place in my life where I should get married. I am still young. There are so many things that I can only do when I'm single, and I should do them. That there are ways that God can use me that would be so much more difficult if I were married. That I am single for this season because it's what God knows is best for me now. Not forever, but now. I know that I was made to be a wife and mother. And someday I will. The thing I have always struggled with is not that fact that I am single now, but being afraid that I will be single forever. I know that will not be the case. Now is the only time that I can truly focus on God with no real distractions, and I can do so much for Him now that I won't easily be able to do in the future. So, I am single. And I am choosing to take my gift in joy. To trust God with my future, and offer him my gift now to serve Him.

Being Prepared

It's amazing how things in your life can be repeated over and over, and yet you hear things differently depending on where you are on your walk with God. The series Under the Chuppah as the Stirring has been a huge eye opener for me, and yet we had a very similar series my freshman year. It just goes to show how much I have grown in the past 2 years. Anyway, one thing I have really been struggling with as long as I can remember is being single. I don't want to be single. I tell myself I am ok with it, but when I see a couple together I feel so much pain. It's what I want.

Growing up, whenever I would have a crush on a guy, I would like him A LOT, but there was a part of me that would know that nothing would come from it. I had never liked a guy that was in love with God, and I knew that no matter how much I thought I wanted to be with said guy, I wouldn't. It wasn't something I realized until much later in life, but while other girls would try to see a future with whoever their crush was, I never would. I knew they weren't the type of guy for me.

Now I am at Simpson. There are amazing men of God here. There are Godly couples everywhere. I'm not saying all the guys are men of God or all the couples are Godly, but there is a fair amount. Healthy, loving relationships where God is the focus. That's what I want, so badly. I didn't realize it my freshman year. I was starting to see it my sophomore year, and now it's clear why I have never found that guy. I am still being prepared for him. I have told myself I would never date someone that I could not possibly see a future with. I don't like the concept of dating. I like the idea of modern courtship. I also love the idea of marrying the first guy that I fall in love with. I'm hoping for that. More than anything, I want a man of God that I can trust, that will be my shade, and that I will feel safe with. I want a man that will go to my father and ask for his permission to pursue me... to tell him that he will protect me and my purity. Nate painted such a beautiful image tonight of what a relationship should biblically look like, and I realized why I have not been with a guy, why I have not dated anyone. I am waiting for that. I want to be so filled with God's love that His love pours out of me, not go seeking a relationship to find love. And I know that I am not there yet. I am still being prepared. So I will wait. I will try to be patient until I am ready. Until I can stand with my beloved under a Chuppah, surrounded by friends and family and covered by God, and tell him that I have been prepared for him.